Part 28: Several Last 'Fuck You's
Update 28: Several Last 'Fuck You'sBuckle up, folks, we're in for a long update today.
Oh boy!
So, last time...
...On Digimon World 3!
Kill me.
Yeah... This idiot... Ugh...
Lord Megadeath: And the being who shall be god in the new world after all is destroyed... Now come to me, the strongest tamer... I await for your arrival at the military satellite, Gunslinger!
Kite: ...what?! Gunslinger?!
Lord Megadeath: Yes. I will show you the magnificent glorious figure floating in space...
I swear to god I am not making any of this up. Yes, Lord Megadeath just told us to come to a SPACE STATION and fight him.
Words cannot express how stupid the 'plot' of this game is.
...Why involve space? Why? Isn't an entire digital world enough? Yes, developers, LET'S HAVE ALL THE SETPIECES
Lord Megadeath: My real goal was to obtain Gunslinger! The Juggernaut was only a decoy! The A.o.A's Operation Sigma is entering its final stages...
Kite: ...final stages? What are they doing?!
I'd like to just take this moment to remind everyone that once again, we're getting proper nouns thrown in our face with no context of why they're important and zero foreshadowing whatsoever. Actually, I think the A.o.A is literally the only noun in that sentence that was discussed before becoming relevant.
And we still don't know what they stand for.
Fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
We are 3 images in. 3 images in and I already quit.
Kite: Wha-what?! I won't let them do that!
Lord Megadeath: Then come to Gunslinger and defeat me! ...There is nothing to fear. Go through the Warp Gate, and you'll be at Gun Slinger! And let's have our final battle. With the fate of all mankind on the balance...
Wtf? Gunslinger and Gun Slinger? WHICH IS IT, GAME
Oh my god, I really should have implemented a fuckup tally. I bet it would rival the BN4 count by this point.
You know, at least BN4 stayed within its own realm of stupidity. It didn't escalate to THIS. Hell, in BN4, the first scene shows you that you'll have to do something in space at some point.
Oh my god, I'm using BN4 as a positive example.
Something in the world has broken horribly. This is
except somehow worse.Kite: I'm going to defeat you!
So, Kite is the only possible threat to the A.o.A's plans. Which makes perfect sense to INVITE HIM TO THE ONE PLACE THAT YOU CAN BE STOPPED.
And this isn't even getting into the problem of 'how the fuck are they getting transmitted from the Digital World to the real world in space'.
Fuck.
Their plan is to turn everyone into Oinkmon.... Why? What do you gain from ruling over pigs?
Click for music
Alright, so we're... in space, somehow - oh no. I recognize that green circle, and the path is blocked by a random space cube.
SURPRISE, FUCKERS. It's ANOTHER teleport maze.
No. No it can't be.
Fun fact: I realized this, and then just kinda sat with my head in my hands for a few minutes. This is probably the stupidest, most obnoxious final dungeon I've had the misfortune to encounter.
Anyway, how it works is like this:
Blue teleporters are one-way. They will always go back to the orange destination pads. Green teleporters are two-way, and will keep you in the maze.
The first puzzle is, honestly, not a puzzle at all. It's basically asking 'do you know how to not touch blue circles, y/n?' and since that's the case WHY HAVE THE MAZE AT ALL ugh.
Oh hey, almost forgot about the enemies in this place! Been a while since we've encountered a new area.
No I'm not doing this, fuck it. I don't even care.
Name: Apokarimon
Level: Mega
Location: Spy Satellite - Gunslinger 1F
Drops: None
2 STR, 4 DEF, 5 SPR, 4 WIS, 3 SPD,
2 FIRE, 2 WATER, 3 ICE, 2 WIND, 2 THUNDER, 2 MACHINE, 3 DARK
EXP: 282, BIT: 550
Regular Attack: No Element
Technique: Darkness Chaos (Magic-Dark)
Be careful of the Darkness Chaos, but other than that it's just a bag of health.
OK, I like this design.
Name: Infermon
Level: Ultimate
Location: Spy Satellite - Gunslinger 1F
Drops: None
3 STR, 2 DEF, 4 SPR, 3 WIS, 4 SPD,
2 FIRE, 2 WATER, 2 ICE, 1 WIND, 3 THUNDER, 2 MACHINE, 3 DARK
EXP: 276, BIT: 530
Regular Attack: No Element
Technique: Darkness Chaos (Magic-Dark)
Fast, but that's about it. Punch it, preferably with Wind techniques - Kumamon does work on this thing.
In-game model:
Name: MetalSeadramon 2* (Gray Colored)
Level: Mega
Location: Spy Satellite - Gunslinger 1F
Drops: None
2 STR, 4 DEF, 4 SPR, 4 WIS, 3 SPD,
3 FIRE, 3 WATER, 2 ICE, 2 WIND, 1 THUNDER, 3 MACHINE, 1 DARK
EXP: 271, BIT: 550
Regular Attack: No Element
Technique: God Bombard (Magic-Machine)
You might be noticing the high stats on EVERY enemy. This is the final dungeon, after all, they're pulling out all the stops. Not that anything slows down my murder bear.
Name: VenomMyotismon
Level: Mega
Location: Spy Satellite - Gunslinger 1F
Drops: None
4 STR, 2 DEF, 4 SPR, 3 WIS, 3 SPD,
3 FIRE, 3 WATER, 3 ICE, 3 WIND, 3 THUNDER, 3 MACHINE, 3 DARK
EXP: 277, BIT: 530
Regular Attack: No Element
Technique: Darkness Chaos (Magic-Dark)
You might remember that the Chief Officer had one of these and an Infermon on his team before the Raidenmon. So, uh, good job foreshadowing the next area's random mooks? They like to do that in this game, I notice.
After going through the teleporters, we wind up... here?
Good job not touching blue.
Kite: Hmm, did the block go away now?
I'm still confused as to what it means by the panel being alive. Seriously, we've taken a hard right into
territory - at this point, it's all but adding .EXE to the end of everything.Yeti what is happening
We use the blue pad as a quick trip back and sure enough, we've opened the path to the next maze. Joy.
I will spare the trip through the next maze - funnily enough, though, I accidentally stumbled into the solution. Go me.
Now, you might notice that this teleporter has an exclamation mark. (The others didn't, by the way. Just throwing that out there.)
That's because it takes us to Gunslinger 2nd Floor. Nice scenery, I guess, but it... really looks like we're in space. Without a protective suit.
WHAT
Game stop. This is too much in one update.
but yes it does look nice.
Anyway, we all know how this song and dance goes. Walk up, beat up the robot, keep going.
Metal Soldier: Beep, beep! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Removing them from the premises!
Kite: Come on, Tin-man, I'll fight you!
That's racist
Nothing we haven't seen or can't handle.
After
Same dialogue as the first panel - the panel is alive, green bleep, wonder if the block went away.
Sigh... I just wish this game didn't actively make its dungeons terrible. They're just so draining to play through - oh, it's a teleporter maze! Oh, I'm stopping every five seconds for a fight that takes forty seconds to resolve! Oh, this is completely idiotic!
Yeti, you're almost done. Hang in there.
This one's bigger than the other two, at four platforms (and a half, since the one that leads to Gunslinger 2F only has the entrance, the exit, and a blue reset warp) but I still somehow managed to stumble into the answer accidentally.
Second verse same as the first. I'm surprised they didn't just slap a third Metal Soldier at the first path, just to be assholes.
...That's a new background. We're not over the Phillippines, anymore, I think? Why did they...?
Metal Soldier: Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert! Removing them from the premises now!
Kite: Yeah, come on! I'm gonna kick your butt!
Though they changed the dialogue for some reason? Okay... sure...
Same team as before - I just wanted to point out how ridiculous Apokarimon's physical attack looks. It's literally just those pentagons gliding in, bopping the enemy, then gliding out. Not even animated.
Anyway, this is the last and final panel.
We're here, the path is open, nothing's going to stop us now-
Fucker I WILL END You
Apparently a lot?
Lord Megadeath: I, Lord Megadeath, am beyond that Warp Gate! Now come! Strongest tamer! And feel my strength!
Kite: Yeah, right! You're all talk and no walk!
The significance of this conversation eludes me.
This significance of most things in this game elude me.
This room in Gunslinger 2F is... slightly different.
Another background? OK
There's a video here! Watch it if you want.
Suddenly, everything is shaking. Oh no.
Kite: Wha-what is happening?
Apparently, the satellite is just now starting to go into launch mode. This, actually, is something I can give the game the benefit of the doubt, because first Lord Megadeath had to hack the satellite, then give it the commands, and then finally wait for the set-up procedures.
Or, none of that applies and the game is just trying to ham-handedly introduce tension. Your pick of which.
We go up two more steps and then another quake. Yay.
Kite: Wha-what the?!
Hey, it's this guy! This guy was from the opening video, remember?
no.
Name: Armageddemon
Level: Mega
Location: Spy Satellite - Gunslinger 2F
Drops: None
3 STR, 4 DEF, 2 SPR, 2 WIS, 4 SPD,
1 FIRE, 2 WATER, 3 ICE, 1 WIND, 3 THUNDER, 2 MACHINE, 3 DARK
EXP: 279, BIT: 600
Regular Attack: Dark Elemental
Technique: None
So, fun fact, Agumon knows some pretty powerful Fire techs. And I knew Armageddemon was coming up, so I deliberately put the dinosaur up first.
Here we go! The last glimpse we're getting at Earth before we confront the final boss.
It would be so easy to just jump off and end it all.
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Kite: Lord Megadeath! Who are you?!
Lord Megadeath: ...I am a digital life form born from inside the network... and am the one to replace humans as the ruler of all worlds...
Oh god they went for the stupid plot twist fuck this game
....?
Kite: That's why you formed the A.o.A?
Lord Megadeath: ...yes. To create the loyal, and most powerful Digimon, Snatchmon!
...
...
...
.........?
...................?
what is...huh?
Moving on...
Lord Megadeath: ...Snatchmon is born when Vemmon has absorbed large quantities of matrix data, and digivolves. You have seen it... Those who had their matrix data sucked out and turned into Digimon.
Kite: What...?! SO that's what Oinkmon are.
Lord Megadeath: When Gunslinger launches the Digitize Wave, matrix data from all life forms will be sent, and then Snatchmon will indeed be the strongest!
So, uh, wait, they're creating Digimon in real life... by removing the matrix data... from flesh and blood humans in the real world.
This, apparently, turns them into Oinkmon, which is starting to look like the Digital World's shorthand for 'shit fucked up here, don't know what it's supposed to be'.
um..... i am so confused
Kite: Yeah right! I won't let you!
Lord Megadeath: ...that is why you will battle with me... To prove that I am the strongest tamer!
Kite: Yeah, yeah. Bring it on!
Why does he care...?
Boss fight, boss fight, boss fight!
As befitting the mastermind behind all of this, Lord Megadeath has three very, very powerful Digimon. If you're not prepared (i.e. didn't stock up before accidentally tripping into the point of no return) or had a rough time going through Gunslinger, you're probably going to get your face punched in a few times. Hope you saved.
Name: Fujinmon
Level: Mega
Location: Tamer Only
Drops: None
3 STR, 3 DEF, 5 SPR, 3 WIS, 4 SPD,
2 FIRE, 2 WATER, 2 ICE, 3 WIND, 2 THUNDER, 2 MACHINE, 2 DARK
EXP: None, BIT: None
Regular Attack: No Element
Technique: Sylph Storm (Magic-Wind), MaltCyclone (Physical-Wind)
First up is Fujinmon, the magical attacker that uses wind. Your best bet here is to have someone that A) resists wind, and B) can match or beat the 4 Speed.
The regular attack is Fujinmon's least threatening attack, since he only has 3 Strength. He just hops forward, bats at us, then hops back.
Sylph Wind is Sylph Wind - we've seen the technique already, so I don't need nor want to show it. It's his most dangerous move, though, so be careful.
MaltCyclone is his special attack, where he launches himself in the air, spins towards us, then crashes into us. It's not very effective, for the same reason his regular attack isn't very good.
Fortunately, Fujinmon doesn't have great HP or defenses, and he goes down relatively easily.
Next up is Suijinmon.
Name: Suijinmon
Level: Mega
Location: Tamer Only
Drops: None
5 STR, 3 DEF, 3 SPR, 3 WIS, 5 SPD,
2 FIRE, 3 WATER, 2 ICE, 2 WIND, 2 THUNDER, 3 MACHINE, 2 DARK
EXP: None, BIT: None
Regular Attack: Mugen Cannon (Physical-Machine)
Technique: Mega Boost (Greatly Raises Speed), Mega Strength (Greatly Raises Attack)
Remember everything I said about Fujinmon? Suijin is the Physical version of that fighter. He's also a hell of a lot more dangerous, with more HP and higher attack. To make things worse, his regular attack will hit up to four times, potentially one-shotting a Digimon.
This is dangerous, by the way. Agumon blocked two of the shots and still nearly got killed.
Best bet on fighting this guy is high defense, high speed, hopefully high metal resist. Mugen Cannon is a fucker, and if he happens to use either of his buffs you're in a lot of trouble. Just take him out as quickly as possible.
Finally, we have Raijinmon.
Name: Raijinmon
Level: Mega
Location: Unknown
Drops: Unknown
1 STR, 5 DEF, 5 SPR, 5 WIS, 3 SPD,
2 FIRE, 3 WATER, 2 ICE, 2 WIND, 3 THUNDER, 2 MACHINE, 2 DARK
EXP: None, BIT: None
Regular Attack: None
Technique: Back Storm (Magic), Electro Ball (Magic-Thunder)
Raijinmon is the chufty boy of the trio. That 1 Strength looks good on paper, but then you realize A) he doesn't have a regular attack, and B) both of his techniques are magic-based. He hits like a truck.
Back Storm is a water-based attack. Very strong.
We've actually used Electro Ball ourselves; it's a two-hit Thunder Tech that Renamon learned a while back. (not that I've used Renamon since swapping out for my bear buddy...) It is also very strong and will fuck your shit up.
Fun fact: Fujinmon and Raijinmon of the Digimon have the kanji of their namesake somewhere on their body. Fujin is on the shoulder ribbon thing and Raijin is on the shoulder batteries. Suijinmon is just a lazy shit that didn't feel like going with the trend.
...Hey, what gives? We beat the mastermind! He was introduced at the last second bait-and-switch, he has to be the final boss, right?
Kite: You still think you're all that?
Lord Shoulders: ..Of course... That was only a test... I still have the most powerful Digimon, Snatchmon... You will soon learn what true terror is...
Wtf even IS Megadeath, anyway?
Displaying a strange dislike for full stops, the guy just... saunters off and warps away. Kite: stone-cold killer in the game, incompetent brat in cutscenes.
The usual.
Kite: Hey, you're not getting away!
And we're given control again.
HEAL YOUR PARTY NOW 
Once we follow him, we're immediately thrust into a cutscene.
What is going on.
Can anyone in the thread follow this shit?
WHAT IS GOING ON.
CAN ANYONE IN THE THREAD FOLLOW THIS SHIT?
Seriously, who's this Frieza-looking motherfucker?
What a name for the strongest digimon
Lord Megadeath: Go, Snatchmon! Destroy those foolish human beings!!
Kite: Come on! I'll take you on!
Snatchmon: Who are you? Why do you order me?
Lord Megadeath: ...what are you saying?! I am your tamer!
Snatchmon: ...Tamer? I do not require such a thing... I am always the strongest Digimon! I bow down to no one!
Lord Megadeath: Wha-what! Who do you think I am...?!
Snatchmon: I will absorb data and become more powerful! First... I will absorb you!
Lord Megadeath: Wha-what?!
So, turns out, Lord Megadeath didn't learn his lesson from Pokemon the Movie 1: When creating
Anyway, Snatchmon just hoovers up the ball of data.
Kite: Tamers and Digimon are one and the same! We always work together!
Snatchmon: So, it is you... You defeated me when I was Vemmon! But now I am reborn! I will show you my new powers!
He kinda... melts? Then reforms up there. It's weird, is what I'm saying.
Snatchmon: I'll fuse with Gunslinger and be Galacticmon!
Kite: Galacticmon?!
Snatchmon: Then I will become one with Earth! To digivolve into a more powerful Digimon, Gaiamon!
WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK
...Let's just pause and take that in, shall we?
This Digimon - a digital monster, you might say - is going to merge with the Earth. Something without any digital or indeed technical components as part of its inherent structure. Natural, you might say.
That loud, repetitive banging you're hearing is me slamming my head into my desk.
I got you covered.
Kite: Everything on Earth will die!
Snatchmon: That is why it is irrelevant, all that matters is me!
Kite: I won't let you!
Snatchmon: Then try to defeat me when I am Galacticmon!
Kite: I will! I can't let you do this!
Snatchmon: Fine. Then we shall meet in space! I will transfer your matrix data! Watch as I digivolve into Galacticmon!
And then we're teleported. Into space. Actual space, not the Gunslinger outside.
Kinda nice of the guy to let us have a shot at stopping him, though, don't you think? He's going to transform and if we're inside Gunslinger, we can't do shit. How convenient - fuck THIS GAME.
How could you fuck it up THIS bad? Just how. HOW.
And here's why you want to heal up. FINAL BOSS TIME.
Finally :woot:
Yo, watch this. Like, actually watch this, it's the final boss.
I mean, I give the game shit, but this IS really nice, especially for the era it came out in.
Head and chest cannon looks kinda stupid, though.
Click for music (you should listen to this, it's pretty good)
...Um. Is the final boss presenting?
Hahahahaha. Oh, that's great.
Name: Galacticmon (Tail)
Level: Mega
Location: Space
Drops: None
3 STR, 3 DEF, 3 SPR, 3 WIS, 3 SPD,
3 FIRE, 2 WATER, 3 ICE, 2 WIND, 2 THUNDER, 3 MACHINE, 3 DARK
EXP: None, BIT: None
Regular Attack: First Attack - No Element, Second Attack - No Element (Damage Varies)
Technique: None
So! We're fighting Galacticmon, now. The final boss, here at last. The tail is really not that bad, all things considered - equal stats all around.
Like the bio says, it has two attacks, one where it whacks us with the head of the tail, and one where it shoots us with a laser.
Suggestive.
(To my utter shame, Agumon actually died in this fight because I was fucking around and not paying attention. Hubris
)
...What's this? We beat the tail, but...
That's... That's a big enemy.
So, it really doesn't matter how you end the first fight against the tail.
Because Galacticmon's body ALWAYS goes first, ALWAYS uses Ragnarok Cannon, and ALWAYS reduces your Digimon to 1 HP.
Click for music (also a good listen. This one happens to be the music playing in the intro video, by the way!)
And then it'll go straight to the last phase of the fight.
Name: Galacticmon (Head)
Level: Mega
Location: Space
Drops: None
3 STR, 3 DEF, 3 SPR, 3 WIS, 3 SPD,
3 FIRE, 2 WATER, 3 ICE, 2 WIND, 2 THUNDER, 3 MACHINE, 3 DARK
EXP: None, BIT: None
Regular Attack: Wind Elemental (Magic), Counter (Physical)
Technique: Galacticmon (Head) will use either (A.) The last technique you used against Galacticmon (Tail) or (B.) ?????
Note: I'm not sure if Technique (B.) has Physical or Magic type damage
Here's the gimmick of the fight against the tail: whatever your last technique used against it (which is, an attack that targeted the tail, not a heal or buff) it will be able to use against you in the Head fight.
That's actually neat, I like that.
First thing you do is hope to god you get to move first. If you do, immediately heal or switch out. If you don't, goodbye to whoever's out front.
Galacticmon Head's regular attack is a laser. It's very bland.
He also has a counter if he manages to block your attack. Be careful, it WILL hurt.
...Also I just noticed how shitty the Earth looks. Really, game? Really? God damn.
Wow. That is shit now that you pointed it out.
Fun fact (it's not actually fun): Counter procs on magic evasion, too. Unlike every other Counter in the game. This will catch you by surprise.
????? is just a regular laser. It does... roughly on par with Metal Attack in terms of damage? So about 900-ish, ballpark. You could definitely get screwed if you're forced to rely on Signature Techs, though.
Speaking of Signature Techs, my hopes are riding on this Terra Destroyer. If it hits, I win. If it misses, I'm basically boned since all of my 'mons are low health and don't do damage for shit.
YES. GET FUCKED, GAME
Hah, a close fight. That's a good finisher.
I WINNNNNNNNNNN
YESSSS. PARTAAAAAAAY
I mean, it's the credits. Y'should probably give it a watch.
Galacticmon explodes, breaking apart and burning up as it enters the atmosphere.
Meanwhile, Kite is just chilling out in space.
Guess we're dead.
And then cue the sun.
Hah... I did it. This game's main story is complete. The curse has been broken.
I'd say it was a good time, but no it's really not.
Let's see, it's customary to rant at the idiots that made this game, I believe. I have quite a few bones to pick.
Welp, I'm taking my well-earned backseat.
FUCK YOU for Lord Megadeath, FUCK YOU for all the backtracking, FUCK YOU for being terrible at writing dialogue that doesn't make me want to claw my eyes out.
FUCK YOU TWO for the random battle system.
Alright, you jerks are cool. Game was super pretty.
And you guys too. I liked the music.
(That guy with the Greek letters is Archimedes. He designed Vemmon and Snatchmon, as well as Cannondramon.)
WHICH ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CIRCUIT BOARDS
FUCK ALL OF YOU FOR BEING HORRIBLE AT YOUR JOBS
Whew.
Of course, we're not done yet. There's one last fuck you from the developers with love.
We're back here again!
Kite: Once I defeated Gallacticmon, it was all good... It's already been three months... it feels like a dream.
...
they misspelled the final boss's name.Oh my god.
Oh. My. God.
I can't believe they did that.
I can't.
They hit a new low.
Kite: The Opening Ceremony is going to start!
We take a step and then suddenly every TV goes off at once.
It's good news, though! Not the A.o.A.
Announcement: DNB TV is live from the Digital World for the first time in history by using the Optical Network! With that, let's connect to this relay with the Digital World!
Kite: And started Digimon Online in place of MAGAMI...
Cool thing that happens: we've only been getting the ambient sounds, but while the store doors are open we hear the El Dorado theme.
Not cool thing that happens: Kite is still named Kite and not Junior, even though we're in the real world. Ivy is back to her real name, though, so...
.Plotholes, yay!
Kite: You guys are late! I've been waiting here for over ten minutes!
Ivy: If you wanted to go that bad, why didn't you just go?!
Have you figured out the secret yet?
...?
It's not even that major. But it's just one step too far.
Teddy: Chill out and let's go to the Online Center!
The secret? Check out Update 1. Go on, I'll wait.
....OK, I'm pissed.
No seriously, go look.
REALLY PISSED.
Okay, done?
Yep. It's LITERALLY the exact same sequence, just with the text boxes changed. Everything else, the sprites, the animations, the timing, is unchanged.
Fuck you, game.
It IS incredibly minor, but-ah, fuck it.
And then just a hard End card. No save, nothing.
Hope you enjoy A.o.A Theme and pigs, because that's what you're getting if you ever want to play this game again.
In summation: fuck this game. I started out liking it, or at least fondly remembering it. And then I learned better very, very swiftly.